Measure a Life

Too many years.

Too many moments.

Too many minutes.

There is too much. Too much for me to forget in just a few months. Too many memories, feelings.

There is a future, and that's finally where I'm facing, while the past rests behind me. I'm choosing another path to travel.

Each step is heavy with the weight of memory. Too much. Each step tears at the muscles in my legs, all the way up my spine and into my lungs and my heart.

Each step is blinding searing agony, all beneath a façade of calm resolution. Of resigned sadness. Of simple hope.

There is an ocean of tears I haven't cried. There are volumes of thoughts I haven't shared. There are aches and pains that follow me through the days because I can't sleep right.

Nightmares every night. A new monster each time. I've woken up to wretch in the toilet, my stomach in violent knots, and my head swimming in delirium. Always alone.

I've felt my chest in raging flames, searing anger and resentment. All the poison pumping through my blood.

And I've been choked with overwhelming guilt. Wishing I could explain, take it back, do one thing differently. If only I could go back and undo it all, pick apart the knots in our timeline before I tripped and made them what they are.

And I've felt an emptiness like none other in my experience. A gaping cavern where the things I depended on used to be. I hadn't even realized to what extent until they were gone.

And all I want is peace. Away from the past, away from then. I want the future, and I can see it, and step by step I'm getting closer. Step by step, somewhere along the way, the agony subsided into a dull throb.

I can't forget, though sometimes I wish I could. I can only keep moving. I can't change what's done, and even though I know it's impossible, I want to ask for closure- I want forgiveness, a guarantee that all will be well. A send off with a blessing and a smile and wave as we go our separate ways into the new.

But I can't have that. Because it was never an option.

So all I can do is wrap up the pieces in a silk towel and put them away in a chest of memories of a time gone by.

I beg myself to be understanding, patient, wise. I plead with my heart to be strong, resilient and unwavering. I look to my mind for guidance, and my body for transport away from all of it.

It's still hard. Even now when it's easier, it's hard. It's hard knowing and not knowing. It's hard being okay with not knowing, with not being able to reach out.

It's hard not to be in control of my impulses, of my flawed memory. I retrace the patterns in my head every day to remind myself why I had to go. Why I can't return.

The fires in my chest have been extinguished, replaced by hope and love and optimism. The doubts and fears quelled by accomplishment and reassurance and bravery.

I have overcome so much, and though I have many people to thank, it has been when I was at my worst that I grappled with myself alone.

I remind myself not to dwell on what's been overcome, I remind myself to be humble and to avoid arrogance.

I remind myself to be happy, truly happy from the bottom of my heart, because there is so much to be grateful for.

I don't let myself sit alone and wallow in self pity and self righteousness.

And then I breathe, sing, dance and laugh. And I'm me again. And I'm whole and light and happy. And I'm invincible and I'm true.

And I forget all of the bad.

And I live.